Elder sister
by a DUMB girl WITH a COMPUTER
Summary: I hoisted Gaara up off of the ground impatiently and knelt down to his eye level "Next time someone picks on you, don't get emotional and lash out at them, come and get me and I'll handle it for you, got it?" I asked. He sniffled a bit, then grabbed my sleeve in a death grip and nodded silently. I ruffled his hair "Good, now let's get outta here before Yashamaru throws a hissy fit"
1. Lottie

HELLO!** This is a story that's been rattling around in my head for a little while. I actually plan to try and keep this fanfic posted instead of losing my cool after rereading it and finding out that I had misspelled something and then immediately deleting it just like my other fanfic's. =_=**

**Feel free to give constructive criticism and plot ideas! Oh, and try to over look any misspellings, just use context clues if ya' have to *.***

**Disclaime****r: the only thing I own is Lottie! Never once owned Naruto.**

**Warnings: rating may change.**

**P.S : I need a beta!**

**.**

**.**

**.**

My death was messy.

It was the kind of death that you would probably think that you could overcome if it were you.

The "_What would you do question" _is easy to answer.

_"I would scream for help" _someone might say.

_"I would kick their ass" could be another reply._

_"I would get e hell out of there" _is probably what most would say.

It's not as easy as you would think, to react immediately. There is a stalled moment of disbelief that flashes through your body that can paralyze you.

My attacker took advantage of that and struck before I could even run or scream.

I was gutted and left in an alleyway to bleed to death.

I remember trying to hold myself together.

Trying to keep my insides _inside, _and failing completely.

Gushes of blood kept coming out and I had no idea what I could do to stop it.

I was terrified and numb brained but I knew how much trouble I was in.

I felt too fragile to even move. I felt that if I called out for help, gushes of more blood would come flowing out of my mouth.

I should have fought harder to prevent the attack.

I shouldn't have stayed out so late.

I shouldn't have taken that short cut.

I had friends, family, I had just finished art school too. My entire life that was once ahead of me was now slipping from in between my fingers because of some stupid mistakes.

I couldn't die now.

I _shouldn't _have to die now.

Wasn't there supposed to some type of rule to ensure that people minding their own goddamn business shouldn't have to die for doing absolutely nothing?

It wasn't fair! I _refused_ to die when I had done nothing to deserve it.

I was NOT going to die.

Even if my body refused to stop spilling blood on the concrete, even if I felt myself growing colder, even if I felt my wound bleed less and less because there was barely enough to bleed, even if I felt my eyes close from a sudden sleepiness, I refused to die from something as stupid as this.

I had to live.

I just_ had _to.

* * *

It was warm when I finally came to.

And wet.

It was too tight.

And I couldn't breathe!

I panicked.

I slipped and rolled around the tight warmth, trying to find a way out.

It lasted for what seemed like forever and the pressure only seemed to increase by the minute.

Finally though, the bone crushing pressure lessened with a pop and I slid out of my tight and constricting prison.

The lights hit me.

GAH! Everything was too bright! I could only see blurs of images and colors whenever I tried to open my eyes.

I smelled blood.

I screamed, but it sounded shrilly and squeaky. My body was so damn cold!

My brain felt foggy, but I realized on some level that I was still alive. Relief overwhelmed me. Oh _fuck me_ that was close! Am I in the hospital? I felt...weird.

Everything was...slimy. What the heck did they put in my mouth? WHERE ARE MY TEETH!?AHHHHH. I immediately began screaming again.

I was vaguely aware that I was being held and passed to someone. The hold was strong and uncomfortable. I felt small. Too small!

I tried to lift my hands to touch my face but they felt flimsy and chubby.

They just wouldn't listen to me!

I screamed and screamed and screamed. What the FUCK was happening, is this a nightmare or something?

I lessened my screeching when I heard someone try and speak over me.

I couldn't understand a word. There was stuff in my ears that reminded me of the times that I visited the pool.

I listened harder but all I heard was a soft melody that was probably meant to be soothing.

It wasn't helping! What the fuck was happening!?

SHIT! Calm down, breath! It felt kind of difficult to do that though, it felt like there was fluid in my lungs.

Okay, your alive, good...but now your some type of slim my alien monster...that's very, very bad.

The melody continued in my ears and I against my will I started feeling sleepier and sleepier.

I was so fucking exhausted from trying to get out of that bone crushing trap.

Sleep would help...…right?

And so that's what I did.

I fell asleep.

* * *

About a month later when I was finally able to open my eyes fully and actually see beyond bright colors, I was able to confirm my suspicions about what was going on.

Second chance at life? Or reincarnation gone wrong? There was no one around to answer my god damned questions. The only thing I that I did know was that I was once a twenty three year old woman in college and now I was somehow in the body of a tiny couples baby.

It was not easy to accept but I had lots of time to think it over.

The next 3 years of my new life were the most frustrating and humiliating times that I can ever remember having. I had to drink milk from a grown woman's breast or starve, I had to rely on other people to clean up my _messes_, I had to learn an entirely new language, and throughout all of this, I could not express myself in the way I so desperately wanted to.

It was only at the age of two that I had decent controlled over my limbs, so in private I practiced my speech, writing, and balance.

It was difficult to learn the new language that everyone seemed to speak but I learned as fat as I was able to. It sounded like Japanese but I wasn't able to confirm it for a long time.

I worked hard to be able to speak without lisping, and never bothered to speak when I was not certain that I wouldn't slur.

I refused to be some ditzy starry eyed toddler who spoke with lisps and couldn't walk in a straight line to save their own life.

I held onto my own identity and refused the one my new _'parents' _tried to give me. My name was not Mikasa Sabaku, it was Lottie Taylor, and I'd be damned if I let anyone say otherwise.

My name was a touchy subject for me and I'd made sure _'that woman' _knew it.

After being fed up with being called somerhing else but my name, I looked straight into my _'mothers' _eyes and spoke in a surprisingly loud voice for a toddler "My name is NOT Mikasa, its Lottie!"

She had seemed startled by the fact that I had actually raised my voice at her. I had barely spoken a single word to both of _'those people' _and anyone else before, so they had just assumed that I was just a naturally quiet child.

Only _'that woman' _ever called me Lottie. She had made it into a nickname of sorts. She had only ever approached me with good Intentions, but I rejected her attempts at bonding each and every time she tried.

She never gave up though, and loved me unconditionally.

It frustrated me though.

Made me _bitter._

I was only filled with so much resentment towards my supposed _'parents' _because I so desperately missed my original ones.

The new 'mama and papa dearest' weren't anything like my real family.

My real mother was a Loud but friendly Bi-polar and my father was a heavily muscled man with the mean streak of a kitten playing with marshmallows.

My new '_mother' _however, was too gentle and soft spoken, and my '_father', _uncaring and strict.

They were _nothing _alike.

Confusingly enough though, he did his best to pamper and spoil me. I was given anything I asked for no matter how little or big the request.

If I hadn't come into this family preprogrammed I was absolutely sure that I would have been a rotten little daddy's girl that asked to have things just to have them.

Still, I was treated well.

They had never done anything to deserve my dislike and my _'mother'_ had only given me love despite my ignoring her, but they would never take the place of my REAL family. And I hated them for trying.

I hated them silently.

I hated the world silently.

I think of that time as a sort of toddler midlife crisis that I was going through.

I mellowed out a bit as I got older and was able to be more independent.

I found out that I was currently being raised in a village with limited technology, and that my _'father' _was the leader of the village known as the kazekage.

I was in japan it seemed, and surprisingly the village had ninja's.

I had almost scoffed at the information I had gotten from _'that woman',_ I had thought it was just another silly fairytale that she was always try to read to me.

That was until I had actually seen grown men and children throwing dagger like weapons of steel at each practice dummies and people disappearing in a flash of smoke.

I'll admit, it had taken some time to process that.

But after I had come to terms with it, I became somewhat interested in the ninja of the village.

I sometimes even watched them leaping from house to house late at night when I couldn't sleep. I could tell that _'that woman' _hated the idea of me becoming a ninja, out of fear for my safety.

Which is exactly why I considered becoming one just to spite her.

I decided against it though.

Being a ninja meant the risk of dying.

No way was I going through that again.

Instead, I happily shut everyone out once I was finally allowed more freedom. I built a bubble around myself and sketched in my notebook to fill my time.

After all, I was aiming to be a professional artist in my past life and it was still something I truly loved to do. The fact that I had to wait such a long time to be able to properly hold a pencil or paintbrush just added to my (almost mellowed out, but not completely) attitude and bitterness.

When I was finally able to draw a decent sketch and paint a decent picture, I painted EVERYTHING that I remembered about my past life.

I felt that I had to capture absolutely everything from my past life before it slipped away with time.

I hid the important and detailed pictures under my bed, while I left the still life paintings out in the open as an explanation for what I used the paints I had asked for on.

'_That woman' _seemed to really enjoy them so I continued to receive expensive art supplies and praise.

I sketched the faces and scenes that haunted my dreams every night, the faces that let me get little to no rest. I also wrote down the lyrics of the songs my mother used to blast in the car.

I drew and painted many things but my favorite piece was the painting that I had of me.

My hair was long, black, and curled. It was always springing in my face. My skin was a light brown because of my ethnicity of African American and German.

My eyes were big and dark brown with long curled eyelashes. My upper lip was a dark mocha while my bottom was a soft baby pink. My cheek bones were high I had dimples. My eyebrows were naturally arched, giving me that sarcastic look.

I was 16 in the painting.

I would stare at the past me for hours, and she would always stare back.

I knew I would never look like her ever again.

This new body was small with pale chalky skin because I rarely left the house. Bright red hair that was similar to the color of blood stuck up in all directions on top of my head. It tangled easily so I kept it cut close (_'that woman' _had a cow when I cut it myself) although It was still unruly and did as it pleased. My eyes were a slanted black hole that held no shine or reflection in them.

My face was now a heart shape and my lips were a white and pink mixture. My nose was small and straight little thing.

I took after '_that man' _when it came to features, and perhaps his personality as well. I had become cold and apathetic just like him.

Something that I never once before, wanted to be.

Hm, I used to be so different in the past. I used to be happy, funny, and even a little sarcastic.

Things certainly do change don't they?

* * *

When I was four years old I was told by '_that woman' _that I would have to be expecting a sibling in a few months' time. I only grunted in response.

I mentally gagged at the thought of _'those people' _having _relations._

Disgusting.

A few months later and I had a little sister.

They named her Temari.

She was loud.

_'that woman' _would try her best to calm the banshee down and give her plenty of love, but Temari always seemed to cry for absolutely no reason. '_That woman' _was so perplexed that she had to hire a live in nanny to help take care of Temari. I was her first child so she obviously had no experience in mothering a REAL baby who will shout for the sake of shouting, throw up everywhere, and put everything she could get her hands on into her mouth.

But still, _'that woman'_ loved her anyways.

I was an only child in my past life so I had no idea how to deal with babies.

She once tried to get me to hold Temari when she was just a few days old, to which I responded with "I'll probably drop her on her head and give her severe brain damage, you should be more responsible than to let a weak four year old hold your heavy infant child" I said flatly.

She never asked me to hold Temari again after that.

I was sure she wasn't angry with me or believed what I said to be true, I think she somehow knew how uncomfortable I was around other young people. Whenever she would set up a play date with one of her girlfriends, I would always do my best to avoid the other child for fear of drool, snot, and other bodily fluids.

Kids were messy. I wasn't.

We just didn't click.

Probably never would either.

Temari was a different story. When she wasn't screaming her head off, she was a friendly girl.

I think '_that woman' _enjoyed taking care of Temari more than she did taking care of me when I was a baby. When I was an infant I was all sass and defiance when it came to accepting her as a mother.

I had gone without breastfeeding for two entire days when I was newborn, but I soon gave in once I realized that it was for the sake of survival.

Temari however, had no problems with latching on without a second thought. I hated it when she would breast feed in the same room as me. It brought back unwelcomed memories.

I had no problems with Temari, she was a cute baby even if she was loud, but I still made no extra efforts to spend time with her. I ignored her most of the time because I knew that she couldn't speak anything more than gurgles and coos.

The next sibling that followed, not long after Temari, was a boy.

His name was Kankuro.

He was too happy.

Every time I decided to glance over at my younger brother he would have a smile on his face. This irked me to no end. He was a small, incapable, fleshy mound, what could he possibly be happy about? He was always giggling or putting his feet in his mouth. It drove me mad that I had never even heard him cry once!

So when I was in one of my crueler and curious moods, I wanted to know if he was even slightly capable of being upset.

I regret my actions to this day and I am by no means proud of what I did.

I took a sewing needle and gave him a quick and shallow prick, not enough to break the skin, but just enough to hurt. His response was an immediate shrill cry that had my ears ringing. I ran out of the room before '_that woman' _or the nanny could come rushing in to see what was wrong.

I felt guilty as soon as I had been able to make him cry.

Kankuro always seemed to stir uncomfortably in his crib whenever I turned my black gaze upon him from that point on.

By then I was five and Temari was one. She still couldn't form a correct sentence but she was at least able to support her own back and sit up.

One year and a half later 'that woman' told me that she was expecting another child.

At this point in time Temari was up walking around on chubby and unstable legs and almost making sense when she screamed out slurred jumbles of words. She was also a menace that loved to get into things just like her brother. I had learned to lock my door whenever I was not in my room after an incident concerning my paintings happened because of them.

I did not like playing role of the big sister who they looked up to. Temari often cried when I refused to play dolls with her.

She was still loud when she wanted to be.

But of course, what else was to be expected? We were all spoiled rotten and were used to getting our way when it came to requests.

The latest child would be no different. They had already filled his soon to be room with toys and trinkets, much more extravagant than what a child of infancy needed to have.

This child was going to be the most spoiled yet.

Did she really need another troublesome child to take care of?

Wasn't three already enough?

I guess this woman saw something more in her children than just walking headaches.

Too bad I didn't.

* * *

Months later '_that woman' _was in labor.

I was seven at the time and I probably should not have been in the room while she was giving birth, but she had just kept on begging, screaming, and crying for me to be at her side.

Eventually the medic-nin brought me in to see her so she would calm down and stop thrashing about. She was not yet finished trying to push out my sibling who was still somewhere constricted in her womb so she was still sweating bullets.

This was a premature birth, and I could tell from all the blood coming from between her legs that this was not going to end well.

I was surprised that I actually felt something ache in my chest and reach up my throat to choke me breathless.

I gasped for air and pressed my hand to my throat, hoping to ease the pain.

It didn't help.

I had felt this once before, in my past life.

It was when I had found my puppy's corpse smeared across the street because I had forgotten to put him back inside the house after I was done playing with him.

Fear.

Shame.

Guilt.

Greif.

I was feeling all of these emotions gripping my heart so tightly that I felt as if it would burst at any moment.

When had I actually began to care for this woman? When had I started not to mind her being around? I couldn't remember. I had never acknowledged her as my mother but it seemed that I had, without my consent, gotten attached.

_'Dammit!' _I screamed mentally, since my voice just wouldn't com

This fucking hurt to watch!

She just kept on screaming and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it.

I had never felt so..._weak._

Not even in death had I felt this helpless before!

When she was finally done delivering the baby I had a new little brother. He had red hair like mine, pale skin, and black rimmed teal eyes. He also had a noticeable lack of eyebrows. He was unnaturally small too, his head about the size of a tennis ball. Would he even survive like that? Mother held him on her side and cooed to him adoringly "he's so tiny" I heard her whisper "I love him"

She turned her gaze upon me then and made a weak gesture for me to come over to her. I hurried over to the hospital bed, stumbling over my weak and trembling legs.

Once I was at her side I listened intently to what she had to say.

She leaned over to touch a cold and damp hand to my cheek. She was fragile. So very fragile.

"He looks...a lot like you, doesn't he" her breath was ragged and I had to lean over her just to make out her words.

I had already lost my voice from the unbearable thickness in my throat.

My eyes felt achy and prickled with unwelcome tears.

"Lottie..will you...make...sure..he is...loved?" She whispered to me with seemingly great effort.

Not knowing what else to do, I nodded dumbly.

She smiled up at me affectionately.

Then, abruptly, her hand went limp and was falling away from my cheek.

I froze.

The medic-nin rushed over to retrieve the small premature redhead and tend to him instead of trying to help save my mother with a medical jutsu.

They seemed entirely too foccused with the tiny newborn.

They didn't seem to give a damn if my mother was alive or not.

.

.

My brother wailed.

.

.

I cried with him

.

.

.

**AH! Finally done, took forever. Sad ending for Mrs. Sabaku **

**Review please.**


	2. Yashamaru

**Author's Note: ...the internet has been a dick lately. First, mom decides to pay the internet bill the same day it's due, then right after it's cut back on the next day, some idiot runs his fucking car into the internet box for the whole damn neighborhood! And then finally, when I kept on trying to login to it kept on saying 'server has timed out'! I could get on any other website BUT fanfiction! Do you know how fucking pissed I was? VERY! But despite all the shit I had to put up with, I finally got this chapter done in between!**

**I just wanted to get it over with, but I hope it doesn't show.****  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own naruto, only Mikasa/Lottie!**

**Beta: Sorry folks, my cousin bullied me into letting her do it, thanks to everyone who offered though.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

His name is Gaara.

He is the forth and last child of Kakura Sabaku.

And at the moment I couldn't care less.

I hadn't seen him or _'that man' _since mother's death.

They had taken the frail and pale looking newborn to some other location after he was born, the Kazekage following close behind.

I spent a small amount of time wondering about their absence but dismissed it as something to think about later.

I had more important things on my mind.

For the first time in my seven years of reincarnation, I had actually chosen to leave the house and had ventured out into the hot Suna sun.

No, I wasn't trying to _improve _my life for the better by finally breaking out of my carefully constructed shell. Nothing that complicated.

I was running away from my siblings.

I felt as if I were being suffocated by their constant questions about mother.

They just kept on _asking _where she had gone off to, when she would be back, and why was she taking so long.

It had been two days since she had died and no one had the guts to come right out and say to their faces '_you're mothers dead'_

Who would want to give that information to a three and two year old?

Especially ones that had no previous concept of death because our mother had babied and sheltered them to preserve their pure little minds.

How could you explain to them that their mother would _never _be coming home because she had died giving birth to your newest baby brother?

No one wanted the job of breaking two children's hearts.

So it was simply ignored for as long as possible.

It wasn't fair to them.

Which is why I had demanded that one of the nannies tell them while I was taking a long walk outside.

Yes, it was cowardly, I know, but I didn't want to be around when they finally got the news.

I really didn't have a plan, I just wandered around the village aimlessly.

I watched simple things.

Tumbleweeds, lizards, and other desert wildlife were the most interesting things I could find. I avoided populated area's and just went along with wherever my feet decided to go.

I still wasn't able to forget about them though.

I kept imagining their tear streaked faces twisted in confusion and sadness.

It was like a sore on the inside of your mouth that you just couldn't help but poke at with your tongue even though it caused you pain.

I kept trying to forget, but the more I tried, the more I thought about it.

_"Why did she leave? Did she want to go away? Why didn't you stop her Mikasa!?" _I could practically hear them shouting at me. It would probably be an event less dramatic than what I was making it out to be in my mind, but I just couldn't help myself. I was scared.

What would I do if they said something that rubbed salt in my already bleeding wound.

I wouldn't be able to handle it.

It had already taken so much effort to keep myself from being crushed under my own grief.

I wouldn't be able to deal with _all _of our sorrow combined.

They should never have to deal with that type of feeling in the first place.

At their age they should only have to worry about fighting over toys and figuring out a way to make it to the top of the cabinet where the cookies were stored.

They were just kids.

Kids that I cared deeply for, even if I didn't always feel comfortable around them.

It just wasn't _fair._

They were too young and too pure to be tainted by death so soon.

Was it too late to go back and stop them from learning the truth?

I looked up at the sky now tinted a deep orange from the sunset.

I had been wandering out here for hours.

Yes, it was too late.

I grimaced.

I would now have to return to a house where I was sure two heartbroken toddlers would be.

Life's fucked up like that.

I started to walk in the direction of home only to falter in step.

I did a complete survey of my surroundings.

There were few people out on the streets since it was getting late, lots of identical beige sand buildings, and an empty park somewhere off into the distance.

A bad feeling settled into the pit of my stomach.

_"Where was home again?"_

Ummm, I think...I went south, and then...I made a turn...at...that...building over there?

SHIT!

I was lost.

I stopped walking altogether, suddenly feeling like a lost puppy.

Being a seven year old outside after dark, with no supervision whatsoever, was asking for trouble even if you were the Kazekage's daughter.

It might actually be worse for me since I _am _the Kazekage's daughter.

I knew _'that man' _wouldn't give a damn if I were to be kidnapped and held for ransom.

He wasn't like mother, he wasn't a kind soul that was capable of self sacrifice, he didn't give two fucks about his children!

He gave us what we asked for and that was it, he left us to our mother and our own devices.

This was such a bad situation!

I was alone.

Just like the night of my attack.

My mind flashed back to the time where my hands were coated in metallic smelling blood.

I REALLY needed to make it back home.

I had a mini freak out session with myself, running through all of the possible disasters that could happen to me.

How can I defend myself!? I don't want to die, not again!

I was too absorbed by my thoughts.

I completely failed to notice someone silently coming up from behind me.

They laid their hand on my shoulder.

My body went rigid.

No.

Not again.

My knee's shook uncontrollably, about to buckle from underneath me.

I was going to die again.

…..Please no.

"Mikasa-san, don't you think it's about time for you to be returning home? It's getting rather late and we wouldn't want the Kazekage-sama to worry, now would we?" a gentle and strangely familiar, but at the same time not, voice said.

I slowly turned around to face this person.

I nearly stumbled backward in shock.

No.

This was impossible.

I SAW her die.

And yet here she stood, alive and well.

What the hell was happening?

"Mother?" I asked hoarsely.

I didn't want to believe it.

I didn't want to give into false hope.

But I just had to know.

This person made a strange expression at me when I asked the question.

It looked like a suppressed urge to puke mixed with with equally surpressed expression of pain. The person quickly got over it though.

"I am Yashamaru, the Kazekage's assistant and Gaara's newly assigned caretaker. I just returned from my mission yesterday evening, I am sorry that we could not meet again until now. I doubt you remember me well" the person remarkably similar to my mother said.

I was instantly grateful that I hadn't let myself give into hope.

Gaara's care taker? Why not just use another nanny? And where was that little red head at anyway?

Wait...Yashamaru? I had heard that name before a long time ago.

I had to rack my brain for where I remembered I though. I finally came up with an answer.

This was mother's younger brother.

I had met him about three years ago, before Temari was born.

I remember thinking of his striking resemblance to motheras something strange. He had been gone on a long term mission in another village so I hadn't seen him for a while. In fact I had almost forgotten he existed.

Seeing him now made my heart feel like it was being stabbed by a thousand tiny needles.

I swallowed hard.

"I remember you, it's just that I had forgotten how much you look like her" I said as emotionlessly as I could.

He flinched at the comment but gave me a small smile, so similar to the ones that mother used to give me.

I dropped my eyes downward to stare at my feet, I didn't want to look at him anymore.

From their sand colored hair, to their pretty violet eyes, and feminen voices, they were the same.

He held out his hand to me as if he wanted take me somewhere.

"Let's get you back home, alright?" He said pleasently.

I didn't take his hand.

"Which direction is home?" I asked coldly. I needed to get away from this man. He was making extreamly difficult to hold myself together.

His polite and respectful voice never faltered "Would you allow me to escort you there Mikasa-san?".

My eye twitched in response to his question.

He was persistent to help, just like '_that woman' _was.

Yes, I was back to calling her _'that woman' _I had tried the other term _'mother' _and I just couldn't get used to it. But I no longer considered the nickname as a barrier, I now considered it a legit nickname for my deceased step mom, who I may or may not have loved.

Back to the conversation at hand.

"No, just tell me where it is" I demanded.

He sighed.

"I doubt you'll be able find your way back on your own, you actually wandered quite far from where you first started" he sounded like he was chastising me for being unreasonable.

Who the fuck cared what he thought!?

I raised my eyes to his and glared at him.

shouldn't have done that.

The similarities between the two was now getting to be overwhelming.

His familiar violet eyes were bringing back all of the emotions that I was trying to push into the very back of my mind.

_**Shame**  
_

_**Guilt**  
_

_**Grief**  
_

I was suffocating again, only this time litterally.

I just wanted to forget, I wanted everything to be okay, but this man was diging at the wound in my heart like a crow picking at a corpse's eye ball's.

My breath came out in and out with quick, painful gasps and my heart beating at the same speed. I was shaking like a leaf too.

He looked at me worriedly and reached out to me again.

I slapped his hand away as if it were covered in fire.

My head felt dizzy, like no matter how much I breathed I just couldn't catch my breath.

"Get away!" I gasped when I saw him slowly approaching me.

He ignored me and lifted up my small body in his surprisingly strong arms.

I struggled against his hold when I felt him rub my back in a soothing motion and said something at I couldn't hear over the pounding in my ears. Unnatural warmth spread from where his hand was placed and it coursed through my entire body.

I went limp in his grasp and immeadiantly calmed down.

What the hell did he just do to me?

Without realizing it, I had voiced my question.

"I used a calming justsu on you to ease your anxiety attack" he said simply.

Anxiety attack, was that what that was?

I hummed in annoyance because I couldn't muster up anything else. I was less than happy to have a justsu preformed on me but I couldn't really express my anger when my body was so relaxed.

He should have fucking asked before he did something like that.

I felt like jelly.

I wanted to push away from this man but had no strength to do so.

He started walking.

"Put me down" I mumbled weakly into his shoulder.

He sighed again "One of the side effects of a calming justsu is that you shouldn't be up on your feet until it wears off completely." He informed me.

I didn't give a damn about side effects, I just wanted to get the hell away from him,

"Where the...hell are you taking me" damn, I was getting tired.

"I am taking you back home, Mikasa" he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"How...did you know...where I...was?" Now I was just asking questions to keep myself awake.

"The Kazekage wanted me to watch over you for the day. I believe he was worried about you returning safely, concidering that this _is _the first wall that you've ever taken in the village. He was probably afraid that you wouldn't be able to make your way back" he sounded slightly amused.

I didn't like this man.

He was a liar.

I knew _'that man' _was not above sending his little ANBU guard dogs to spy dogs on me, that part was true, but the other part, that was complete bull. I mean honestly, trying to make me believe that _'that man' _actually cared? Such a cruel uncle.

But hell, maybe I was wrong, maybe that old bastard did give a damn about me.

I hoped that wasn't the case though.

I had already gotten attached to three people in this life time that I would cry for and I didn't need another weak point.

My eyes drifted shut before I suddenly snapped them open again.

Crap, I refused to fall asleep on this mans shoulder!

Keep awake dammit!

I struggled to find my voice again.

"Why...why...did you...come back to...Sunagakure?" This as the question that had been bugging me, the one question I really wanted the answer to. He had been he on is mission for three years and NOW he suddenly deceides to make an appearance out of nowhere? I was curious.

He went silent.

Ah, I had finally pushed him away with my questions.

Mmmm, maybe he wasn't _exactly _like _'that woman' _afterall.

She would have never retreated into silence, she would have faced me head on with an irritatingly optimistic attitude.

I felt a bit smug at the fact.

I was happy that they were different.

It meant that I wouldn't get my feelings all mixed up and transfer all my _mommy issues _onto him.

This was a completely different person.

"I requested a replacement to fill in for my position so I could attend Kakura's funeral" he finally replied quietly.

That shut me up.

I honestly hadn't considered for even a second that there were other people outside of my little world who were grieving too.

How many people did _'that woman' _know anyway? I never got much into her personal life, so I didn't know.

How many other people had felt sorrow for her death?

I felt a small piece of my bubble weaken as I thought this over. I vaguely remembered her having other family members on her side, but she seemed to be seeing less and less of them over the years. Why was this? Were they also grieving? How many friends did she have, besides the ones she set up play dates with? How many people did she know in this entire village? Just how many people where going to show up at the funeral?

When exactly was the funeral happening?

Oh God...I didn't know.

I could almost feel the perfect little bubble, that I had no intentions of destroying whatsoever, burst under the strain of the my questions.

I didn't know the answer to any of my questions.

Why didn't I have the answers?

Because I chose to remain ignorant to the the world around me.

I had locked myself away from everyone else, and by doing so, I had made myself into the child I appeared to be. I was a small little girl who didn't know any better and only thought about her own interests and well being.

I had thought that the things that I thought were important, were the only things that were important.

I was self absorbed.

I felt exposed by this new knowledge about myself.

Naked.

Out of the loop.

Childish.

Stupid.

I didn't like it at all.

How the hell had I made it this far in life while being so ignorant to everything? The answer was simple.

I was still a child.

But what about later on in the future?

What was I going to do for the rest of my life? Stay locked up in my room forever, in _'that man's' _house? What was I even doing with this second life that I had been given? The second chance that others might have killed to have?

_'Nothing, absolutely nothing'_ I thought to myself.

Shit!

I couldn't continue this for the rest of my life, not if I ever wanted any type of happiness for myself.

What had happened to that ambitious girl was working two part time jobs to put herself through art school? The girl with the _'take your best shot' _kind of attitude toward life?

Just who the fuck was I now?

I wasn't the girl I used to be, thats for fucking sure.

I was far from her.

I _wanted _to be her.

But I couldn't be her...could I ?

I had to let go of her, I realized.

Lottie Linn Taylor.

The wild, quirky, and sarcastic girl, was not who I was anymore.

She was long gone.

The me now, was quiet, brooding, and a fucking bitch when it came down to it.

And I had to accept that.

I had to keep moving.

I had to move no matter how much I _really _didn't fucking want to.

I laughed out loud quietly.

Way to go Mikasa, took you seven years, but you finally figured it out didn't you?

I exhaled heavily and cursed for no particular reason.

Yashamaru tensed a bit at my language but didn't chastise me for it.

I disliked him a little less for that.

.

.

I fell asleep on his shoulder before we made it back home...Dammit...

.

.

**Authors Note: yep, it's time for my dear little oc to finally stop clinging to the past. Sorry there's no Gaara in this chapter, but I'll be sure to put him in the next! ^o^ Now if you'll excuse me, it is now 12:50 pm and I am ready to promptly pass the fuck out. Bye bye.**

**Review please!**

**Question: how much effect do you think Mikasa/Lottie should have on Gaara's life? Should I still let him end up a pyschopathic killer but with a soft spot for his older sister or should I kind of muffle his (awesome) insanity so that he only gets killer-ish when super mad? Like say, at future love interest, Shikamaru?**


	3. Moriyo-sensei

**Author's Note:... Hiiiiii, I haven't posted in...a long time, I'M SO FREAKING SORRY! At first it was because of this anime I watched called school days that made me too depressed to write, and then when I finally got the chapter finished, I remembered that I was ignoring some pretty important plot points for the story so I scraped it. Like Lottie/Mikasa (Can't decide what I want her permanent name to be) going to ninja school to become a Shinobi. I can't very well just bring Gaara in right off the bat either, even though I said I would put him in this chapter! **

**So sorry, It's just, I don't want Lottie/or Mikasa to become too dependent on him! I want to mold her into her own person and THEN interact with Gaara, she's not just gonna be okay with every psycho-ish thing he does. She'll love him, but at the same time, be kind of afraid of him.**

**Sorry about long authors note. Any waaaay, sorry if you're mad there's no Gaara in this chapter, I won't make any more inaccurate promises and just let the story flow as it may! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto...if I did, there would be a LOT more shirtless scenes for the Naruto guys!**

**P.S.: Thank you to everyone that reviewed and favorited this fanfic! They fuel me! XD**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

"Hi...mom" I said awkwardly as I shifted from one foot to the other.

It still didn't feel natural to call her that.

I spoke in English because I wanted to make sure that no one else in the world heard what I was about to say.

I was currently standing over her grave, feeling silly for even thinking about doing this.

It couldn't hurt though.

"...Temari and Kankuro really miss you a lot…I...kind of miss you too" I said.

There was an empty silence after I spoke.

I needed to stop bullshitting.

This visit to her grave was supposed to be a purge.

I had to get everything out of my system right here and now.

I inhaled deeply to get ready to let it all out.

"You know, it was a really dick move of you to just _die_ like that." I growled out to the headstone.

Good start, keep going.

"You left three fucking...four fucking kids behind! How the hell am I going to deal with this shit!? Temari and Kankuro...they cried the entire funeral! And your husband! God, that man didn't say a goddamn thing to comfort them. How the hell am I supposed to tell them that everything will be okay when I have no idea how to fix anything at all?" I felt helpless and weak when they cried in front of me.

"Everything is NOT okay...it's not...and I have this fucking overwhelming sense of guilt, because _right _after you died, I realized that I know _nothing _about you. Isn't that messed up? I treated you so badly and I don't even know exactly _why _I treated you the way I did. I think it was because you were the easiest to blame? I don't know! It's just...you were the only one, the_ only _one in this god forsaken world that could possibly put up with my shit. Now I don't have that guarantee anymore." I was shaking now.

"I've never been alone before, _never,_ you made sure of that. Even when I pushed you away, even when I refused to love you back, you were always _there. _Remember that time when you asked if I loved you? Remember how I just shrugged and brushed you off like a goddamn fly? I could _see _how much that hurt you and even after that you still said you loved me on a daily basis" I placed a trembling hand on the headstone and rubbed angrily at the stupid tears trying to escape with the back of my sleeve.

No more tears dammit!

"I want you to know that I do, okay? I know you can't fucking hear me right now and that's it's too damn late, but I want you to know that I _do_ love you...and I am so fucking sorry...for ignoring you...for hating you...for all that shit, okay?"

Lord knows she didn't deserve any of it.

"I'm going to try and do what you asked me to do, okay? I'm going to love Gaara, and I'm going to love Kankuro, and Temari too, I'm going to be the best fucking big sister that I can be. I'm going to protect them. I won't let Temari date assholes, I won't let Kankuro or Gaara become assholes, and I'll be the one they look up to. I'm going to be strong." I vowed.

I can't be selfish anymore. Not when it comes to those kids.

I wasn't going to let them feel as alone as I felt right now.

I pulled an orange desert flower that I had picked on my way here from my pocket and placed it gently on her grave.

"I hope you can forgive me…Karura Sabaku"

I hesitantly retracted my hand from the head stone and then turned to walk over to the ridiculously faraway place I had made Yashamaru stand.

I had forced him to take me here because I knew that I would get lost without a guide. He was Gaara's caretaker and not mine, and I could have just ordered a nanny to take me here, but I had started to hang around Yashamaru more often when he wasn't busy taking care of Gaara.

Which was about 20 minutes every 3 hours.

He didn't seem to mind my constant presence though.

He was polite, just like _her._

We had something akin to a friendship and it was getting easier and easier to be around him.

Easier to pretend.

I knew what I was doing, and I knew it wasn't healthy. But it was just too easy to pretend that she was still here, that I hadn't messed up so badly.

I think Yashamaru knew exactly what I was doing.

That stupid man should have just stopped me right then and there before I had the chance to get too dependent on him.

Instead, he let himself be used.

I should have never gotten close to him.

.

.

* * *

**_8 days later_**

**_._**

**_._**

"dame!" I growled while digging my feet into the sand to get some resistance.

Unfortunately sand is only resistant when you really don't want it to be, like when it gets into your shoes and then you can't get it out, or when it's in your house and you can't sweep it out, or when it gets stuck in your eyes and no matter how much they water it still sticks to your cornea and stings like hell.

You know that frustration you get when those things happen? Doesn't compare to how frustrated and angry I am right now.

Yashamaru kept his iron grip on my wrist as he continued dragging me along.

Jesus! He looks so freaking lady-like! How the hell can he be so damn strong!?

"daaaammmmeeeee!" I whined louder and longer than before.

I was so not okay with this shit!

Yashamaru sighed "Weren't you the one who said you wanted to become stronger?" He said to me.

I yanked hard against his hold on me "Not like this!" I cried out.

"Well, I told the kazekage-sama about your desire to become stronger and he said that this was the best way to train you"

"I told you that in confidence you ass!" I yelled at him.

He sighed again.

"Please don't do this to me! I'll train at home, please, don't make me go to school!" I begged him.

"You've already been enrolled" he informed me.

DAMN!

"Screw the enrollment, I'm not doin' this shit!" I snapped back at him.

He flinched at my use of language.

He always seemed to be extreamly uncomfortable with my crude way of speaking.

So naturally, I kept cursing around him on purpose, just to irk him.

"It really isn't that bad at the academy Mikasa-san, you may even be able to make some new friends. Other children will be just as nervous on the first day as you are." He reasoned.

I clawed at his hold on me again with my other hand in an effort to free myself until there were angry red lines going down his knuckles and my nails were all sore.

"Do I look like ninja material to you!?" I shouted at him.

I didn't care if people stared at us as we passed, I was not going down without a fight!

I didn't know much about ninja's, but I _did _know that most of them died before they reached the age of 30.

I was not going to put myself in that kind of position.

"I want to get strong without the possibility of dying dammit! I'll be dammed if my death is the result of some idiot kid's poorly aimed shuriken!"

I heard Yashamaru bite back a small laugh.

Oh, you think this is funny?

I aimed a kick at the back of his knee.

He avoided it easily by side stepping.

I swear on my life I am going to make this man pay!

He continued to drag me forcefully until we had reached the school grounds.

School was exactly how I remembered it to be.

Uncomfortable.

I immeadaintly felt out of place.

The curious stares.

The secretive side glances.

The whispers about me being the Kazekage's daughter that were not nearly as quiet as they thought.

And I hadn't even entered the school building yet.

Yashamaru was still holding my hand in a steel grip while we stood in front of the large beige Academy.

Students stared at me and Yashamaru as they passed.

I really wish they would just mind their own goddamn business or get proactive and rescue me from this man who had an unbreakable fist!

I had tried everything to get him off of me. Punching, scratching, kicking, pulling, even biting. I was starting to feel like a 3 year old with all of my childish attempts at freedom.

It was soooooo _frustrating!_

I was so _very _close to just screaming _'RAPE' _at the top of my lungs to get away from him.

I looked up at the school defiantly.

This was my first time seeing it because of my near hysterical unwillingness to attend when I was told that I was going to become a ninja when I grew up.

I had a temper tantrum that put 4 year olds to shame.

I threw things, cursed, and trashed anything that I could get my hands on.

I even managed to destroy some of my paintings in the process, which is saying something.

I was an emotional mess that no one was able to calm down.

Eventually Karura gave in and begged for the Kazekage to let me become an artist like I wanted.

And by some miracle, he agreed.

I was homeschooled for a year and was able to avoid the topic of me becoming a ninja for the time being.

But now that she was dead, there was nothing stopping _'that man' _from placing me exactly where he always wanted me to be.

In ninja school for tots.

I looked up slowly at Yashamaru.

I swear to Kami, if you make me go through with this, I will draw excruciatingly detailed erotic pictures of you and the Kazekage together and post them around the village" I said as I stared him dead in the eyes.

Yashamaru paled, but said nothing.

He had seen a couple of my drawings that I had hung up in my room and knew that I was good at it.

I had the tools and talent to make my threat a reality.

"I'm serious Yashamaru...I will make you the uke."

He seemed to choke on air and started a violent coughing fit.

He still didn't let go of my hand though.

"How do you even know about those types of things!? You're seven years old for goodness sake" He finally managed to say after he caught his breath.

"Doesn't matter how I know, what matters is that I do NOT want this! I want to be an artist when I grow up, not a freaking Ninja!" I hissed at him.

"You don't have to be a ninja Mikasa-san, not if you don't want to. Just give it a try"

I looked up blankly at him.

"As soon as I learn how to fight...I'm coming to kick your ass"

Yashamaru sighed for the fifth time.

"Mikasa-san, I don't enjoy forcing you to do something that you don't want to do, but these are the Kazekage's orders and I don't have the right or authority to refuse them" he said

"But if there is any way I can make it up to you, I will gladly do so"

Ooh, chance!

"Then let me visit Gaara" I said nonchalantly, trying to make it seem like less of a big request than it actually was.

Yashamaru's eyes went wide before collecting himself quietly and asking "And why would you like to visit, Mikasa-san?"

I rolled my eyes at him in irritation.

Stupid uncle.

"Oh, I don't know, to SEE him maybe,? I wanna be able to see how he's doing but you and those damn medic-nin's are always making up excuses for me not to come and check up on him. Well now, I'm telling you that the only way I'm going to even consider giving this ninja thing a try, is if you guys let me see him" I said smugly.

Yashamaru frowned solemnly.

"I'm afraid that goes against the Kazekage's ord-" I cut him off "Then don't tell him, it will only be a quick visit. In and out, I swear!" I pleaded.

Yashamaru stood quietly for a long time before saying "I'll have to ask for his consent Mikasa-san, I'm sorry"

I scowled at him.

"Fine, ask his permission, and tell him that my condition for trying this ninja training is visitation rights to my baby brother" I said.

Yashamaru gave me a slight nod "Yes Mikasa-san"

I scowled even harder at him.

"Call me Lottie" I said to him abruptly.

He looked at me in confusion but went with it anyway.

"Yes ...Lottie-san" he saidawkwardly.

He said it weirdly, just like his sister did. It sounded like _Rottie _instead of _Lottie _because the Japanese had unfortunately left the letter _L_ out of the Japanese alphabet.

Hearing him say the name nearly the exact same way _she _used to say it made me kind of feel like she really was here with me.

Holding my hand.

This is _seriously _unhealthy.

.

.

**_12 minutes later_**

.

.

I sat at my desk, brooding.

There were just so many kids! Some of them had even tried to talk to me, but I was able to escape conversation starters by glaring meanly at whoever tried to make nice with me.

This technique worked fairly well.

I couldn't let my guard down around these kids.

Temari and Kankuro knew my strict and unspken rules but these kids didn't.

**Rule number 1: **Don't touch me with wet or sticky hands.

**Rule number 2: **If you lick or bite me, I _will_ push you down.

**Rule number 3: **If you Speak gibberish to me, expect to be given a pat on the head and me ignoring you for the rest of the time that you're still talking.

**Rule number 4: **No insects of any kind are to be brought to me for inspection, if you do bring me any type of bug, expect it to be squashed immediately.

**Rule number 5: **Do not expect me to play childish games.

And thats all there is to it.

I had only attempted to escape this hell on earth once.

Yes, Yashamaru and I had a deal, but I really doubted that I would finally be able to see Gaara after having the medic-nin and Yashamaru block me so many times already.

They were pretty determined in trying to keep me away.

There was always an excuse for me not to visit.

_'He's too frail right now'_

Okay, i'll wait a little longer.

_'He can't be exposed to germs too often, you'll have to come back later when he can handle it.'_

Alright, I don't want him to get sick.

_'I'm sorry, but Gaara is sleeping right now, please come back later'_

Okay, I call bullshit.

This was getting fucking ridiculous!

Why couldn't I get peek inside the room, get a quick look at him to see if he's doing okay, and then get the hell out?

They were making it more complicated than it had to be!

So yeah, I tried to escape.

I figured that I could find a way to see him on my own instead of just sitting in a room full of sticky children for the next eight hours for the _possibility _that I might be able to see Gaara.

Don't ask me where I was planning on going...I am ashamed to admit that I hadn't thought that far ahead.

I just wanted _out._

Yashamaru had escorted me to the class room so I had to wait until I was sure that he was gone.

My creep towards the exit had been slow and hardly noticeable as I tried to sneak out of the classroom.

And that was when I met my new teacher.

Moriyo-sensei.

She stood in front of me, blocking the door. She had long lavender hair tied up in a high pony tail (What the hell?) Light blue eyes and a confident smile that made her seem like she was saying '_I dare you' ._Seriously, the woman looked ready to walk down a runway. There was something about the way she crossed her arms and cocked her hip to the side that remidd me of a diva.

Her outfit was all black and had a large collar up to her chin and fishnets going from the shoulder down to her arms. There was a tank top under the fish nets covering her chest, but it was short and skimpy. Her stomach was left exposed.

Her chest was flat and her abdomen was muscular like a man's.

_Extremely _like a man's.

My eyes traveled lower to her tight black pants.

WOAH! ...That _is _a man.

HE wore dark blue fingerless gloves and a kuni pouch hanging loosely on his hip. His whole outfit was nothing short of a massive _'I'm a fabulous ninja' _fashion statement.

I was convinced that he was an ass hole within the first 9 seconds that I had spent in his company.

He inspected me lazily with a bored look.

"Aaaaah, so you're the Kazekage's little brat huh? Pretty scrawny if you ask me" he said in a voice that sounded deep but at the same time, a little womanly.

_'Well, fuck you very much SIR' _I replied in my head.

Moriyo-sensei stared down at me with a suddenly hard expression that almost made me take a surprised step back.

"The Kazekage warned me that you might be a little difficult" he said while continuing to glare at me.

I was really starting to get irritated with _'that man'._

I glared back, displaying an unwavering amount of determination in my eyes to match the fire in his.

We stood like this for a full minute.

It had turned into a staring match.

I was dead set on winning.

He smirked at me again, this time revealing a single sharp fang on one side of his mouth.

Then he suddenly clapped in front of my face.

I blinked in surprise.

He smirked in triumph.

My face heated in anger.

I turned around and sat in the first empty seat in the back row that I saw.

I didn't care that it might have been someone else's seat, in fact, I dared someone to come up to me and say something.

I needed an ego boost right now, and pushing down a fellow newb of my new ninja class would suit me just fine.

I felt irritated beyond belief.

_'GOD! It's just…..THAT MAN!' _I thought angrily to myself.

He was impossible to argue with. He seemed to be a bull headed type of person who was even worse than me when it came to attitude.

I felt tiny and childish in his presence and I hated him for it.

That didn't mean that I was gonna confront him about my dislike though.

In my past life I had learned lots of valuable life lessons, one of them was "Bigger flames eats smaller flames".

Simple physics _and _a way of life.

Moriyo-sensei was the bigger flame, so that meant if I tried to overcome the dominant flame, I would only end up being swallowed whole.

Life sucks a lot more than it should.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ceiling.

Beige.

Just like everything else in this goddamn village.

Mm, except maybe hair color. I had seen a fair number of people with odd hair color in this village.

Lavender being another strange color to add onto the growing list.

I was vaguely aware of someone scraping a chair very loudly across the floor and then sitting in the chair beside me.

I didn't look up to see who it was though. I really didn't care as long as they didn't touch me.

The ceiling was way more interesting.

Moriyo-sensei started talking after the noise soft murmurs of kids whispering to each other had died down.

I wasn't listening.

More important things to think about.

Like why the hell did every building have to look like a sand castle?

_'It's a desert' _I answered myself.

I continued to day dream like this for a while.

_'What would this room like in different shades of purple?'_

In the back of my mind I heard someone yelling.

I blocked it out.

_'What about a room full of green? I miss grass...what does grass look like again?'_

The yelling got louder.

Blocked.

_'Man, I've forgotten what grass looks like'_

Something whizzed past my head with an alarming speed and hit the wall behind me, inches from my face.

I blinked in shock.

Someone yelled again, and this time I heard.

"HEY! Fire crotch! Pay attention and introduce yourself like everyone else before I make you do 300 laps around the school you damn brat!" Moriyo growled at me.

Angry red veins were bulging on the side of his temple.

FIRE CROTCH!?

He probably thought that I didn't know what he meant since I was only seven years old, but I understood a hell of a lot better than the other brats in here did.

I couldn't help being a red head, but at least I didn't feel the need to dye my hair some ridiculous flashy color like him!

There was a collective gasp around the classroom.

...Shit, did I say that out loud?

I watched as Moriyo-sensei's expression of fury quickly bumped up to a point where I thought he was going to jump over the classroom desks just to get his hands around my neck.

There was a muffled giggling coming from the seat next to mine.

I glanced over to see a boy about my size with wild orange hair that curled around his cheeks in an admittedly cute way.

He kicked his feet childishly under his desk while staring at me curious green eyes.

I glared at him.

He smiled gleefully back at me.

I felt an ominous chill go down my spine.

Wierd kid.

I turned towards Moriyo-sensei and said "My name is Mikasa Sabaku" then I went back to staring at the ceiling again.

There was a small murmur of whispers after my announcement but I then proceeded to ignore it.

"LIKE I CARE! 300 LAPS AROUND THE SCHOOL! NOW YOU DISRESPECTFUL BRAT" Moriyo-sensei commanded.

I scoffed.

Yeah right, as if I could even do _one _lap_._

.

.

.

As it turns out, I was able to do 2 and 1/2 laps before my whole body completely shut down from exhaustion and heat stroke...I hate school.

.

.

.

**Author's note: Yep Lottie/ Mikasa is in for shit load of training! Oh, and it has come to my attention that some of you might not be clear on the pairings! Lottie likes Shika, Shika likes Lottie, Gaara likes Lottie, Lottie kinda likes Gaara, Temari kinda likes Shika =_= drama is likely to occur. **

**Question: When and how should Lottie/Mikasa find out about the demon sealed up in tiny Gaara? And should she be freaking furious and confront the Kazekage about it or silently plotting revenge against him?**

**Review and tell me your opinion please!**


End file.
